Sept. 12, 2007

By now, we've probably all had our fill of Britney Spears ... Oh, who are we kidding? Too much is never enough. Details of what led to the Hindenberg-like disaster that was the stubbornly senseless mommy of two's apathetic, amateurish opening at the MTV VMAs are flying around like so many loose sequins off her Bedazzled bikini bottoms (oh, the humanity!). Here's the latest:

The Undies Kerfuffle: Even the most hard-bodied performer would have had a tough time pulling off (or on, for that matter) the sparkly bra and panty set Spears was muffin-topping out of when she stepped onstage. According to People, MTV's stylists had selected a problem area-camouflaging corset for her to don, a garment she nixed in favor of the unforgiving two-piece tragedy. "Britney really wanted to wear that. Everyone in wardrobe advised her against it, but she had her mind made up," a source tells FOX News. "It's like she's still clinging to who she was five years ago." But the reality of her curvier but still enviably shapely figure -- a figure, it should be noted, that would have looked fabulous in almost anything other than trashy lingerie -- soon hit her like a ton of Cheetos. "She was also able to see video of herself throughout the auditorium," a backstage mole snitches to Us Weekly. "She flipped out. She came running off the stage, yelling 'Oh, my God, I looked like a fat pig! I looked like a fat pig!' She was inconsolable."

VMA photo gallery: Britney and more

The Weave War: It was clear from the opening moments of Brit's performance that trouble, as she so aptly lip-synced, could be found by looking right in her face -- or at least around it. Cameras zoomed in for a close-up of her crispy yet oddly oleaginous faux coif, which looked as calamitous as ever. Why wasn't her 'do ready for prime time? Once again, the blame falls squarely on Spears. Ken Paves, the mane man for Jessica Simpson and Eva Longoria, jetted to Las Vegas -- extensions in hand -- to take on the Herculean task of taming Britney's tresses. But Us Weekly claims she cut him loose just a half-hour before she was due onstage.

Britney Spears at the VMAs (Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com)

"Ken was in the middle of doing her hair, and she just said, 'You're really annoying me! Get out,'" a source tells the mag. People pipes in that Spears was "disappointed" when Paves arrived, with a spy explaining, "Britney had requested his two female assistants [to do her extensions] since she prefers women around her." Another theory, as posited by the Las Vegas Review-Journal, was that Spears wanted brunette extensions, but was "overruled" by her remaining handlers and ended up sporting blond locks from Simpson and Paves' Hair U Wear line. E! Online's Marc Malkin, meanwhile, reports that someone -- not Paves -- chopped up the fake hair Britney was set to wear. Whatever touched off the tress mess, Paves packed up his extensions and left, saying in a statement that he "made the professional decision not to do her hair for the VMAs." Spears reportedly ended up styling her weave herself.

Preparation, Schmeparation: "She showed up at rehearsal three-and-a-half hours late," a mole tattles to the New York Daily News. "And she walks in with a frozen margarita! It was so disrespectful." The New York Post also puts the icy tequila treat in her hand when she finally deigned to run through the routine. "It was ridiculous," an insider tells the paper. "The production people at MTV were freaking out ... Nobody can tell Britney what to do anymore. No one can control her. She is a mess." Spears, who was spotted partying into the wee small hours on the night prior to her VMA performance, also couldn't seem to grasp the simplified steps. "The dance number was spectacular -- without her," snipes a source to the Post. "When the stand-in was rehearsing with the dancers, in the hours they were all waiting for her, it was amazing. Then Britney showed up and refused to do anything. The dancers were supposed to lift and twirl her in the air a few times, and that just wasn't going to happen. The more complicated dance moves had to be erased because she couldn't do them."

Excuses, Excuses: Damage control began moments after Spears finished moving her lips to the final chorus of "Gimme More." Explanations for her impersonation of a sluggish, clumsy stripper ranged from far-fetched (she had a bad reaction to eyedrops) to fervent (one zealous and hobby-needing fan has posted a YouTube video that valiantly tries to prove the heel on her stiletto boot was to blame) to false (despite rumblings that Britney was upset because she'd heard Sarah Silverman rehearse jokes at her sons' expense, the comedian confirmed that didn't happen, telling paparazzi, "I didn't do any of my jokes until my performance, so it couldn't have"). There's also no truth to talk that an elaborate, illusion-crammed number with Criss Angel was scrapped just before showtime. "It fell out before that," an MTV producer tells the Review-Journal. "We weren't involved in the planning of that. That was Britney and her camp's decision. I'm not sure why." Angel, who watched Spears' crash and burn from the sidelines, is vague about his participation, which seemed to involve a whole lot of late-night tête-à-têtes in hotels. "In the initial meetings that we had, I gave my professional creative advice," the icky magician tells "Extra." "But I stepped out of the picture."

The Aftermath: Spears, who gave paparazzi yet another depressing shot at her private parts before returning to Los Angeles on Monday, will, we hope, spend the week quietly celebrating with her sons -- Jayden James turns 1 on Wednesday and Sean Preston hits the big 0-2 on Friday (last weekend, Kevin Federline tossed a birthday party at his house). And for now, at least, it appears her Nov. 13 album release will still happen. Entertainment Weekly got a sneak preview of several new tracks, including one autobiographical ditty titled "Piece of Me." ''I'm Mrs. American dream/ Since I was 17," warbles Britney in what the mag kindly describes as "her standard breathy-sexy growl." ''I'm Mrs. Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous/I'm Mrs. 'Oh my God, that Britney's shameless'/ I'm Mrs. 'Extra, extra, this just in' / I'm Mrs. 'She's too fat, now she's too thin ... Another day, another drama/ I can't see the harm in working hard and being a mama.'' The song is expected to be her second single after "Gimme More."

Next: Jennifer Lopez's Mystery Bump