What burning issues are on the mind of Jessica Simpson? Harper's Bazaar took the bullet to find out, and the result is as profound as you might expect, with deep thoughts on boobs, butts, body tweaking and burping.

In a chat with her designer pal Michael Kors, the plump-lipped starlet denies going under the knife, but reserves the right to do a little nipping and tucking should things start to go south.

"I've had none," she says of plastic surgery. "But maybe after having kids, if my boobs dropped down to my belly button, I would get them lifted ... Maintenance. But you know, my boobs are real."

And frequently on display, a habit Simpson apparently picked up to satisfy the cleavage-thrusting enthusiasts in her life.

"I dress for men," admits Jess, whose dad-manager-string puller Joe once famously observed of her double-Ds, "You can't cover those suckers up!" "I dress for men and myself. If I'm dressing for men, then I know it's good for myself!"

But just because she may defer to what gentlemen prefer instead of what she likes, that doesn't mean she's going to change the things that make her unique (unlike, say, her remodeled sister Ashlee).

"I love the bump in my nose," stresses Jessica. "People have said that I've had things like a jaw replacement or implant or something. I'm photographed every day of my life and have never worn any bandages or anything, so how could that be right?"

Another thing that sets her apart from her little sis besides a bumpy beak: "She goes to a thrift store and can buy something for 20 bucks, and I have to go buy a black button-down at Barneys. For $900. Because it's a collector's item."

Simpson also expounds on how trainer Harley Pasternak has helped whip her body into shape for her upcoming "Private Benjamin" rip-off, "Major Movie Star."

"He's given me a butt, because I have white-girl syndrome," she explains. "I have to do as many squats as I can to get a little booty. ... I have to be [diligent]. I'm a curvy girl. You don't want to see me not working out."

Declares the newly hard-bodied, fat-free blonde, "Curves are better. I don't get the whole rail thing. It's not good for your heart, it's not good for your mind; it's emotionally destructive, it really is."

Speaking of emotions, Simpson also talks about her professional endeavors, including the difference between her singing and acting pursuits.

"In my music career, there have been moments of failure, and with acting, I haven't had that yet," she says, seemingly forgetting that her oeuvre includes "The Dukes of Hazzard," "Employee of the Month," the trailer for "Blonde Ambition" and playing a Pizza Hut pitchwoman. "But music is opening up my heart and every emotion inside of me."

To that end, "I've been wanting to do a country record because it's just my roots; it's my soul," moons Jessica. "I aspire to be like Patsy Cline. ['Dukes' co-star] Willie [Nelson] actually turned me on to her because he used to be one of her background singers." (He also wrote a little ditty for Patsy called "Crazy," but moving on ...)

Although she wears her heart on her sleeve when she warbles, "I don't think people really know me anymore," says the former Mrs. Lachey. "Everybody used to see my day-to-day life; you saw a lot of my personality and my goofiness ... I like falling on my face and getting up again, because everybody does it. Everybody has burped at the dinner table once in her life and said excuse me, you know?"

In other Jessica news, she apparently decided against ringing in her 27th birthday with the people with whom she spends so much of her time -- the paparazzi.

People reports the starlet, who four years ago marveled, "Twenty-three is old. It's almost 25, which is like almost mid-20s," beat a hasty retreat from a Malibu beach house on Tuesday when she and her five girlfriends -- all of whom were styling summery white dresses -- were surrounded by shutterbugs.

"It was a private party and they wanted to keep it private," relates a Simpson snitch, who says the shindig was relocated to Jessica's parents' place. "She was there with all of her closest friends and family. She had a great time. It was a great night."

The next day, Simpson hopped a plane to Shreveport, La., to begin work on "Major Movie Star," in which her titular character joins the army.

A source tells the New York Daily News, "She's going to be in boot camp for two days to learn how to do Army drills and salute properly and that sort of thing."

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