Britney Spears spent the weekend engaged in her usual pursuits: hitting the spa; popping by Los Angeles hot spot Parc; flashing her (phew!) panties; tanning; shopping at Target; donning leg warmers, fishnets and hot pants for a dance lesson; shoving sushi down her gullet and mocking those so-called "false tabloids" on camera.

Yes, it seems before her raw fish feast on Friday night, the semiretired pop star and sometime mommy of Sean Preston, 19 months, and Jayden James, 7 months, requested an audience with a shutterbug from the X17 photo agency.

Brit reportedly instructed the cameraman not to ask any questions about almost-ex hubby Kevin Federline or her family -- "It's my time," she said -- before launching into a oddball performance piece that required not one but two takes.

The result is an earbleed-inducing screed that some (hey, don't look at us) are calling the most grating 90 seconds of supposed satire ever committed to video.

"I just wanna say that, um, I'm just really, really shocked at how nice our world is," sing-songs Spears, in an unfunny impersonation that falls somewhere between Valley Girl-with-a-head-injury and that chick from "Mean Girls" who kept trying to make "Fetch" happen. "Because it's just sooo nice."

Annoyed yet? You will be.

"Like, omigawd, like the other day, like, I was sitting there, and I saw these magazines, and they said I was pregnant, and like, it's sooo true," she continues, in a failed attempt at sarcasm. "Like, America, believe everything you read because, like, you're smart and I'm stupid. Like for real. C'mon, y'all."

Not content to call out the entire U.S. population for being, like, dumb and stuff, she also takes a swipe at her handlers (she's reportedly on the outs with manager Larry Rudolph), who are said to have convinced her to check into rehab following her chrome-dome-climaxing meltdown in February.

"And then after that, I totally saw, also, on the USA Today -- 'cause always believe everything you read -- that it said I was drinking all the time. And it was so right, it was sooo true ... and my management totally knew what they were doing when they sent me to rehab," she sneers. "So right, you know. I'm just gonna cry right now because the world is sooo nice."

She'll be here all week, folks. Try the veal.

Anyhoo, it appears the Britster may have also stumbled on a recent showing of "Poltergeist," because she makes like Carol Anne by becoming entranced with a bright and shiny object.

"Like this lady told me, she said, 'Britney, go to the light. Go to the light and see Jesus, OK?,'" she lampoons (no word on whether the "lady" was pint-sized and had a creepy Southern accent). "And I was like, omigawd, I'm going to do it.' And I did it. And it happened, and it's just so weird because our world is so nice. So thank you so much."

Coincidentally, Spears' spur-of-the-moment spoof comes amid reports that she's rehired her longtime spokeswoman, with whom she split last year. Here's hoping the flack got a nice, big raise, 'cause, like omigawd, she's, like, totally gonna need it.

Next: Brad's 'Supergirl' Defense of Angelina?