Nov. 27, 2006

We know at least one thing Britney Spears didn't give thanks for this year: underpants. For those who blamed Kevin Federline for dragging the bygone pop princess down to his low-rent level, consider this: In the span of one week, Brit, with new best friend Paris Hilton by her side, has devolved from reportedly peeling off her pants (on Nov. 19 in Sin City) to flashing her panties (on Nov. 22 in L.A.) to -- eek! -- exposing her naughty bits (on Nov. 25 and Nov. 26, in L.A.).
 
But a lack of modesty isn't the only setback Spears has suffered in this post-K. Fed era, which began so promisingly with the kicky new bob and kickin' new bod she unveiled when she filed for divorce earlier this month. Here's a rundown of a few other potential problem areas that Britney might want to focus on if she's serious about that comeback:
 
Socializing: All moms can use some me-time. But when you're battling your soon-to-be ex for custody of your two young kids (chubby-cheeked Sean Preston, 1, and the still unseen Jayden James, 2-and-a-half months), perhaps you should reconsider partying repeatedly into the wee small hours as the paparazzi capture your every move for posterity. Spears, 24, and Hilton, 25, hit the town together on multiple nights last week, whooping it up at hotspots Teddy's (Wednesday), Les Deux (Friday) and Hyde (Friday and Saturday). TMZ.com says they even had a brush with the cops after Hilton's neighbors complained that her post-American Music Awards bash on Tuesday was a wee bit too boisterous. Meanwhile, on Sunday, with third wheel Lindsay Lohan on board, the faux blonde buds reportedly pulled an all-nighter, with photogs snapping Britney catching some zzzz's Monday morning in Paris' car. You'll recall that just three weeks ago, a Spears source huffed to People that Federline would use "any excuse to party," with some sources pinpointing his nightlife-loving ways as part of the reason for their split. 
 
BFF: Perpetual paparazzi magnet Paris doesn't seem like the wisest choice of playmate for someone who just five months ago was pleading to Matt Lauer for privacy, although on the plus side she is the most chivalrous date Brit's had in ages. "Paris was acting like Britney's boyfriend," a bystander who spied them at Hyde on Friday recounts to People. "She opened doors for her, held her hand, and even had her arm around Britney's lower back. Britney happily accepted Paris' friendly gestures." Adds an onlooker who saw them Saturday at Les Deux (via Us Weekly), "Britney followed Paris around the club like an obedient puppy. Paris appeared to act as a mentor for Britney." Still, some are concerned about their sudden joined-at-the-hip status. "Everybody around Britney is worried for her," an insider tells Us. "Paris is only out for publicity and is taking advantage of Britney's fascination with her." 
 
Fashion: Even after two years of the Ferrari-driving cash-suck that was Federline, Britney still has plenty of moolah left over to hire a top-notch stylist, but she appears stubbornly set on choosing her own ensembles. Which means the unsuspecting public is subjected to skirts so short they inadvertently reveal her lady parts when she's climbing into and out of cars, and mammaries so unmoored they could put an eye out (e.g. the suicidally plunging green atrocity she sported Saturday night). Britney, here's a tip: If Paris is wearing what amounts to a red negligee and she looks like a wimple-wearing nun compared to you, go change into something less revealing. "It was a shocking outfit," a traumatized eyewitness tells the London Daily Mail of the erstwhile starlet's gaping green get-up. "I am not even sure she managed to keep everything inside the dress all night. She certainly seems to be telling Kevin she is back on the market."

Childcare: Where's the manny when you need him? Paparazzi caught impressionable Sean Preston in the arms of Paris as she and Britney shopped at popular Malibu boutique Planet Blue on Saturday. Hilton, whose short attention span with men and frequent catfights with friends (she changes pals more often than Spears changes diapers) proves she's still in touch with her inner child, appeared surprisingly adept with the oft-imperiled tyke, who didn't seem thrilled with the crush of shutterbugs surrounding him. While it's nice that Spears is spending quality time with Sean P., it's a good bet that retail therapy with mommy and her fellow tabloid magnet probably isn't as much fun for him as, say, a day playing in the paparazzi-free yard of their rambling, gated Malibu estate.
 
Hair Care: Britney spent an estimated $2,500 on her new blonde extensions (per Us Weekly), but her counterfeit coif would likely have looked just as realistic if she'd simply plucked out the hair from her Barbies and glued it to her scalp. We vote that she return to her flattering, shoulder-length bob and let her damaged, mutilated mane grow out naturally.
 
Trendsetting: Sharing is a wonderful concept for Britney to teach her sons, but the lesson isn't quite as effective when it involves trading thigh-highs with Paris. Over the weekend, the flashbulb-igniting twosome posed wearing one-half of two different sets of stockings, with each sporting a fishnet on their right leg and a basic black hose on the left. As fashion trends go, this one falls somewhere between Michael Jackson's sparkly white glove and the gym sock Spears styled on her arm during her 2001 Super Bowl performance.
 
Reading Comprehension: While we can appreciate Britney's thought process in slipping on a T-shirt that pays homage to Roger Hargreaves' "Little Miss Sunshine" kiddie book ("Hey, this shows I'm a happy and involved mommy, y'all!"), being photographed wearing it three days in a row, as she was last week, is just icky. A better idea: Ditch the overexposed novelty blouse (but put something else on, please) and hit the children's section of the bookstore instead. Also not doing Britney any favors: Stepping out with Paris on Monday morning wearing matching T-shirts bearing the terrifying words, "I'm Paris Hilton. I can do whatever I want..."
 
Public Relations: The public, for now, still seems to be pulling for Britney, despite the fact that she hasn't produced anything in the last two years except children (she has reportedly ramped up recording on her endlessly in-the-works album). Still, her image needs some serious burnishing, and, alas, oodles of undulating cleavage and lots of sexy handholding with Paris aren't going to put a shine on it. Spears has made it abundantly clear that she keeps her own counsel, declaring to Lauer in June, "I do not care what people think." And it seems good help may be hard to find. According to the New York Post, Britney is having trouble securing a publicist after recently calling it quits with her longtime spokeswoman. "She is kind of a mess," a mole tells the paper. "She won't take anyone's advice."