Still trying to shake off that post-Thanksgiving tryptophan stupor? There's no better pick-me-up than the latest rumblings from the aimless, paparazzi-baiting life of Britney Spears.

Let's begin with the most comical Brit rumor in recent memory, courtesy of Britain's News of the World, which is convinced the court-monitored calamity is hoping to become a mommy to two needy children. Alas, neither kid is named Sean Preston or Jayden James.

The Britster has purportedly been telling pals she's "in the final stages of talks" with an adoption agency to bring home twin 6-year-olds from China (and by "home," we mean the luxury Los Angeles hotels she frequents despite having two palatial pads in the city).

Laughing yet?

Britney Spears is spotted driving with her kids and court-appointed monitor in Los Angeles on Nov. 8.

According to the tab, the alleged double kindergartner delivery is part of the little-girl-lost starlet's "frantic bid to fill" the Sean- and Jayden-shaped holes in her heart left by her inability to prove her parenting skills to the court.

But before you start speed-dialing child protective services and the Chinese embassy, keep in mind this story has several red flags (you know, beyond the glaringly obvious).

Among them is Spears' failure to meet two major requirements in order to adopt from China: She's unmarried (new guidelines no longer allow single applicants) and under 30.

The tyke tale isn't the paper's only dubious report, however. It also claims Spears is forking over $50,000 to plan -- wait for it -- her own funeral.

"It doesn't seem that Britney has thought this through completely," a likely snickering source unnecessarily informs the paper. "Adoption and a funeral? The two don't exactly go hand-in-hand."

Another problem with the whole "putting the 'fun' in funeral" rumor (you know, beyond the glaringly obvious)? The paper's budget for Brit's supposed final farewell is about the same amount she's spent on chandeliers in recent weeks, a thrifty (for her) figure that doesn't really add up.

Meanwhile, in more believable news, Spears was spied on Thanksgiving browsing a Los Angeles Virgin Megastore with her parasitic doting pal Sam Lutfi (let's hope she snagged a few copies of her own album "Blackout," because FOX News has declared it a bomb).

Earlier that day, reports Us Weekly, she joined Sean and Jayden (and the monitor, of course) for breakfast at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills before handing them back over to Kevin Federline.

But was the tykes' Turkey Day fraught with more dysfunction than usual?

A "source very close" to Spears tattles to the Chicago Sun-Times that she and her ex-hubby didn't so much spend the day giving thanks as they did "mostly screaming obscenities at each other -- all in front of their kids, too."

The paper also alleges that Brit's potty mouth is making quite an impression on Sean.

"Though Britney keeps telling Sean to stop, whenever she hears him swearing, it's clear she thinks it's cute and kind of funny," reveals the insider.

At least the kids no longer have to cling to each other for comfort when mommy is behind the wheel. Shutterbugs spied them being driven around in a chauffeured SUV last week, with Spears perched next to them in the back.

Britney Spears is spotted driving around Los Angeles on Nov. 14.

Britney was flying kid-free Friday night and back to her usual unsafe at any speed antics, according to Us, which caught her rolling through three stop signs after leaving the Four Seasons.

And finally, Life & Style has identified the dark-haired guy Britney was spotted with last week. The seemingly low standard-having, high maintenance-liking fella is said to be one Michael Marchand, a waiter and aspiring actor.

Spears supposedly "instantly fell" for Marchand earlier this month when she dined at the Los Angeles eatery where he works.

"Their chemistry was immediate. He's very turned on by her," a source blabs to the mag. "They're always texting each other."

Spears and Marchand were snapped at the eatery on Nov. 21, with a spy telling L&S, "Michael came in a little after midnight, and she came in right after. They were being discreet. Forty-five minutes later, they left the restaurant together. He was charming -- he made Britney laugh and looked at her with this secret smile. They left in separate cars."

But a Spears source huffs to OK! that she barely knows the food service staffer.

"Michael Marchand isn't a new one-time fling," says Britney's "closest friend" (given her limited social circle, odds are 3 to 1 the informant's name rhymes with Lam Sutfi). "He isn't a new boyfriend -- He isn't even a friend ..."

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