If the tabloid smear campaign that's playing out in the wake of Madonna and Guy Ritchie's split is any indication, their seven-year marriage was devoid of fun, friskiness and flexibility (save for the sinewy pop icon's gym-honed bendiness).

In the latest salvo fired against the Big M, the London Sun accuses her of using a "marriage contract" to keep her hubby under her (likely freakishly strong) thumb.

Madonna, 50, allegedly tacked up the agreement in their New York City pad after they hit a rough patch two years ago and would remind Ritchie, 40, to abide by the rules by saying, "Contract, Guy, contract."

Madonna and Guy look thrilled to be arm-in-arm on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival earlier this year. (©Retna Ltd.)

Among the purported requirements: Their arguments had to be resolved in "a constructive way," with Ritchie charged with keeping his voice calm, looking his missus in the eye and noting, "I understand that my actions have upset you -- please work with me to resolve this."

The tab says the exes, who are rumored to have once gone 18 months with no conjugal visits (encounters may or may not have been scheduled around Madonna's gym regimen), pledged to "devote time to our sexual expressiveness" and "not use sex as a stick to beat one another" (unless, presumably, one of them specifically asked for a stick or some other spanking-type device to be used).

The director also had to "work to enrich his wife's emotional and spiritual well-being" and spend time reading Kabbalah texts with her.

Speaking of Kabbalah, there's continued speculation over the role the religion has in the breakup.

In addition to claims that Madonna is undergoing "intense" anger management counseling and has a Kabbalah advisor tagging along on her Sticky & Sweet tour, the London Daily Mail says she's being urged by Kabbalah muckity-mucks to settle the divorce as quickly as possible, prompting her to call Ritchie Tuesday night in a resolution attempt.

"It was a very emotional call and a sign of the desperation Madonna feels for them to settle before things start getting more serious legally," says an insider. "Madonna tried to encourage Guy of all the good times, said how they must settle before it got any more messy and public. She said she had always worked so hard to provide for the family. She said she had been saddened by some of the criticisms of her which appeared to have come from his camp."

Continues the mole, "She said the leaks of hurtful stories would only get worse. Guy stayed quiet for most of the call, gave very little away and at the end said it was now in the hands of the lawyers."

Madonna, says the paper, "cried openly in front of her staff" following the conversation.

The filmmaker has allegedly rejected a hefty offer from his estranged spouse, who is said to have complained to pals that he's acting like a "gold-digger" when it comes to her estimated $500 million fortune.

"There was a great deal of haggling about this matter last week, with Madonna upping the amount of Guy's settlement to more than [$32 million] in hopes that he would acquiesce," Madonna's unauthorized biographer, J. Randy Taraborrelli, asserts to Hello! magazine.

Madonna and kids Lourdes, David and Rocco are spotted leaving the Kabbalah Center in New York on Oct. 24. (© WireImage.com)

Seems the pair is duking it out over custody arrangements for sons Rocco, 8, and David, 3, with Madonna supposedly wanting to relocate them to New York with daughter Lourdes, 12, and Ritchie preferring to keep them in London.

There are also rumblings that their household staffers are being lined up as character witnesses. According to the Daily Mail, Madonna hopes to have her claims that Ritchie was "emotionally distant" reinforced, while he's said to be looking to strengthen his position that she put her career before the family.

Meanwhile, in the clearest sign yet that no story is too silly to earn tabloid space, the London Daily Mirror believes that Guy has put the kibosh on Madonna's plans to fill an indoor pool at their country estate with pricey Kabbalah water.

"It would have cost a small fortune, but obviously money for Madonna isn't really an issue," a snitch maintains to the paper. "Since splitting, though, they've agreed to let Guy keep the country home -- meaning he can do what he wants with it. One of the first things he's insisted on is scrapping the ridiculous pool plans."

Ritchie, who in August said he wouldn't call himself a follower of the red string-festooned faith, "partly blames Kabbalah for the deterioration of their marriage," adds the source, "so the last thing he wants is an Olympic pool-sized reminder of the religion!"