Oct. 11, 2007

After a quarter century of living, Britney Spears has yet to master a concept so basic that even tots Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, likely understand it: Actions have consequences. This week, the calamitously misguided mess repeatedly demonstrated her inability to link cause and effect, such as how oversleeping makes you miss things, or how going commando can give paparazzi a disturbingly clear view of your private parts. Here's the latest:

Snooze Control: Brit's beleaguered lawyers were in Los Angeles Superior Court bright and early Thursday morning for an "emergency" custody hearing with Kevin Federline's legal pit bulls, arguing that it was "developmentally and psychologically" important for her sons to have overnight visits with her. (The judge, however, again expressed concern over her alleged "substance issues and emotional issues.") So, where was Spears while this important meeting was taking place? Turns out she may have been snoozing. While her lawyer blamed the media frenzy outside the courthouse for her no-show, photo agency-cum-Britney defender X17.com claims she overslept after taking a prescription medication for a bout of "severe insomnia." Of course, she might slumber a little better if she cut down on the caffeine-crammed Frappuccinos and cans of Red Bull she likes so much. Another thing that might help: if she went to bed at a reasonable hour. According to Us Weekly, she was seen driving around until 2 a.m. Thursday morning.

Better Late Than Never?: Justice may be blind, but is it also starstruck and a little bit of an enabler? Five hours after the scheduled custody hearing, Britney, sporting jeans and sunglasses (she reportedly has pink eye, just like Federline) and carrying a Coke, descended on the courthouse, where 15 sheriffs' deputies were on hand to escort her to the courtroom (via TMZ). About 45 minutes later, she exited, having been granted one monitored overnight visit a week with her sons, a total gift if reports of her back-and-forth with the judge are true. According to TMZ, instead of being on her best behavior with the one person in the world she truly needs to impress, Brit interrupted the judge and was "extremely sarcastic," veering between "contentious, argumentative and condescending." She also allegedly thanked him in a tone "heavily laced with disdain," a fake gratitude bit she apparently recycled from April. But a court spokesman assures People she spoke in voice that was "soft and respectful." Either way, Spears looked thrilled with the result of her appearance, telling the X17 shutterbugs as she drove away, "It's cool. I don't know if the judge can take it, but I was cool … I've got 'em back, baby!" (It's OK to groan right about now. We'll wait.) And what did she do to show her appreciation for this rare vote of confidence? If you answered, "Attended a court-ordered parenting class" or, "Sipped hot cocoa at home while watching the WE channel," you don't know Britney. Instead, she made a beeline for Neiman Marcus, where she shopped and had her matted coif styled.

Home Is Where the Paparazzi Aren't: No matter where Brit-Brit goes, her personal paparazzi contingent is always right there -- and often seem to anticipate her arrival. So it seems strange they would have prevented her from making it to the hearing Thursday morning, especially because such qualms didn't stop her from stepping out Wednesday afternoon to take care of pressing matters like chowing down on Mexican food and making a Target run. The purposeless popwreck's cheesily delicious lunchtime excursion created the usual scene of chaos, as she waded through a throng of shutterbugs with her female companion du jour. What made this photo op a little different was her emotionless, monotone mantra of, "I'm scared," which TMZ reports she repeated more than a dozen times on her way into the restaurant. Nonchalant fear wasn't the only thing Brit was feeling. She also told OK!, "I'm shaky. I feel shaky." Following lunch, she headed to Target, either to shop for her boys (per OK!) or look for a camera charger (per TMZ). Spears attempted to enter the reasonably priced retail outlet amid a crush of cameras while a store security guard stood nearby with an expression that said, "No way do I get paid enough for this." TMZ says Britney soon got fed up, muttered how she was "so over it" and later yelled at the paps, "What the [bleep] do you guys want?!" Still, when she left the store (empty-handed, it appears), she offered them a "Bye, y'all!" before driving off.

No Bra, No Panties, No Thank You: With the court closely monitoring Britney's every move, you'd think she'd try to avoid the type of behavior that called her judgment into question in the first place. Nope. She still can't be bothered to throw on foundation garments for her meaningless public outings. On Wednesday, she not only unbuttoned her red minidress low enough to give the illusion she was smuggling a couple of bald guys under it, but she once again traumatized the public at large by revealing her bikini wax preferences while climbing out of the highly unsanitary (we're assuming) driver's seat of her Mercedes. (On the plus side, at least we know there's some personal grooming going on. Now if only her disaster zone of a hairdo would receive the same kind of attention).

Next: Romance Report: Reese & Jake, Paris & Stavros