Oct. 8, 2007

You want it. You can't help yourself. No matter how hard you try to resist, you need to know the latest boneheaded and bizarre Britney Spears antics. It's OK. We feel your pain (we, too, have the repetitious refrain and poky pole-dancing from "Gimme More" burrowing a hole in our brain). And because we know it's easier to swallow the sad sour ball of suckitude that has become the Britster's paparazzi-encircled life in bite-size pieces, here's a rundown of her recent dramas, including a family reunion, an alleged missed connection with her tots and some screechy anti-Spears sentiment:

Mother and Child Reunion: While Britney's maternal instincts may be lacking, her mom's seem to be kicking in. Lynne Spears, whom the stubborn, spiraling starlet has been on the outs with for months, winged into Los Angeles on Friday from Kentwood, La., with daughter Jamie Lynn, 16, in tow, reports People. "Brit really needed her mom," an insider tells the magazine. "So Lynne flew out and they met." You'll recall that their once-close relationship ran off the rails in June, when Britney very publicly handed her mom a letter that supposedly told her to stay away from grandkids Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1. "Things went well," a source reveals to "Access Hollywood," "and [Lynne] was encouraged."

An Unfitney Moment? Did Britney screw up her first supervised visit with her tykes, whom she was ordered to hand over to ex Kevin Federline last week? That's the word from TMZ.com, which says a monitored meet-up set for Thursday morning never happened, even though Federline's bodyguard arrived at Spears' Beverly Hills home at the appointed time. The minder reportedly rang the buzzer and waited. For 40 minutes. With the kids crying in the car. Eventually, the group turned around and headed back to Kevin's Tarzana pad. "Something happened. It didn't take place," a mole weakly explains to the New York Daily News. "There's talk it may have been the doorbell [not working], but I don't really know." But TMZ says there were no technical difficulties, and Mommy Spearest was "well aware" her boys were on their way. Instead, she purportedly decided not to answer the buzzer because she didn't want to deal with the court-required parenting coach, who was tagging along to observe her quality time with her sons.

Mommy-and-Me Time, Take 2: Britney seems to believe she has the custody situation well in hand. When asked by a paparazzo on Friday about getting her kids back, she perplexingly responded, "I have them back already, baby." That turned out to be true -- briefly, at least -- on Monday. TMZ reports Sean and Jayden, accompanied by Kevin's nanny and a person believed to be the parenting coach, arrived at her Malibu home. Spears was reportedly seen walking with her kids and the nanny around her gated community decked out in a motherly butt-grazing minidress and attentively talking on her cell phone.

Law & Disorder: It's nice to know that taxpayer money is being put to good use. Britney has apparently learned the number for 911, with cops coming to her aid Friday afternoon when she was surrounded by photogs during a Los Angeles shopping excursion (per TMZ) and again that night, when she feared her Beverly Hills digs had been broken into. Us Weekly reports Spears, who had spent an aimless evening driving around with producer-cum-onetime hookup J.R. Rotem, hanger-on Sam Lufti and a phalanx of photographers, popped a tire, prompting Rotem to joke that perhaps someone let the air out on purpose. "Britney took it seriously and got scared," a source tells the magazine. That led her to believe she'd been robbed, telling her photog frenemies, "I'm scared to go to my house because somebody broke in." According to an insider, the breaking-and-entering scenario is "one of her paranoias." The paps, for their part, obligingly fixed her flat as she reportedly sang "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town" to her Yorkie, who continues to wonder what terrible crime he committed in a past life to deserve his current predicament. Police arrived but soon determined Brit-Brit's manse was undisturbed. As an officer corralled the cameramen to the sidewalk, Spears hopped behind the wheel and drove off, wearing sunglasses but not a seat belt.

Run for the Border: While most mothers would forbid their teenage daughters from riding shotgun with the amok-running Britney, Lynne apparently has no such qualms. Jamie Lynn joined her newly licensed big sis for a Taco Bell drive-through run Saturday night, a giggle-fest of melted cheese that was captured by several dozen paparazzi, who not only assisted Brit in ordering (they advised her to roll her window down before calling out the menu items) but also delivered her food, according to TMZ.

Intervention, Schmintervention?: After the tire kerfuffle Friday night, Spears either headed to her Malibu pad with Rotem and Lufti (per OK!); was driven there by her mom (per People); or was picked up by her mom's assistant after pleading with paparazzi for help because she didn't know the way (per Us). What happened once she arrived also remains open to debate. According to OK!, Lynne staged a long-overdue intervention, which Federline supposedly attended (if true, this raises him even further in our estimation. Granted, he had nowhere to go but up, but still ...). Britney is said to have "stormed out" of the alleged tough love tête-à-tête in the early evening, making a few brief and random stops (the Viceroy Hotel, the Ivy at the Shore eatery) before returning to her Beverly Hills home. Us, however, says Lynne, Britney and Jamie Lynn "bonded behind closed doors." Spears didn't exactly look upset as she and her little sis happily gobbled their messy fast food later that night, or when they made a Starbucks and sushi run on Sunday afternoon in Bel-Air. Meanwhile, X17 says Lynne whipped up a "southern-style dinner" Sunday night for her daughters and several friends, a warm gathering a source says Britney really "needed." Chimes in a mole to Us, "[She] is happy to be with her mom again."

The People Have Spoken: Speaking of Brit's craving for caffeine and raw fish, that trip resulted in the typical paparazzi insanity, a situation that led a fed-up local woman caught in the crush to shriek at the attention-addicted star, "Get the [bleep] out of the neighborhood! Nobody wants you in this neighborhood! You're making the neighborhood unsafe!" To which the paparazzi, protective of their cash cow, hollered back, "Shut up!" And faster than you can say "Nickelodeon tween queen," Jamie Lynn proved she's a classy chip off the old block by defensively shouting at the woman, "Then move the [bleep] out!" Her witty rejoinder earned a cheer from photographers. But that wasn't Britney's only encounter with a ticked-off bystander. TMZ.com also filmed her at a gas station on Sunday (yet another exciting event worth documenting for the ages), with one industrious paparazzo chipping further away at his dignity by telling Brit she looked "gorgeous," which elicited an expected, "I know." But a guy attempting to make his way through the wall of Britney worshippers didn't share the sentiment, loudly announcing, "Regular person coming through, get out my [bleeping] way!" Kudos, random gas station guy. Kudos.

Money Train Wreck: Despite reports that the work-averse Spears is bringing in about $700,000 a month (and gets a cash delivery of $6,000 a day), there's chatter her bank account will soon be as dry and depleted as her mangy weave. "People are very worried about Britney because she is running out of money," a snitch tells the New York Post. "Her fragrance didn't do well. She has no cash flow coming in and she's spending money like water." In addition to the mountain of moolah spent on Frappuccinos, she also has been shelling out for luxury hotel stays, private jets and an ever-changing lineup of multimillion-dollar mansions and high-priced lawyers. "Performers make money off touring," the snitch tells the paper. "And we all know she can't do that."

Next: Twins for J.Lo and Marc?