Remember that scene in "Truth or Dare" when a fed-up Warren Beatty snipes of the camera crew hovering around then-flame Madonna, "She doesn't want to live off camera"?

That pretty much sums up the currently piteous existence of Britney Spears, who, with the vast resources at her disposal and her court-mandated freedom from the responsibilities of child rearing, could escape to photographer-impenetrable parts unknown for some much-needed quiet time.

But what would be the point of doing that when the calamitously unstable paparazzi magnet can generate headlines simply by popping a tire during one of her aimless daily drives and spark shutterbug scuffles with one of her nightly hotel check-ins?

Go ahead, sigh -- we are (to the point of hyperventilation). Here's the latest on all things Britney:

Brit's paparazzo pal Adnan Ghalib

Click, Click, Tick, Tick: As expected, the erratic, help-eschewing pop wreck's meltdown last Thursday is topping this week's tabloids. Us Weekly, which opts for brevity with its "Time Bomb!" cover (in contrast to Star's understated, "Insane! Inside Britney's Tragic Freefall into Madness"), claims she's being sold out by her paparazzo-cum-companion du jour Adnan Ghalib, whose camera-toting arms she ran into after exiting Cedars-Sinai hospital on Saturday. According to the mag, the still-married shutterbug has been shopping around "partially nude" images of Spears in hopes of a million-dollar payday. (Given that anyone with an Internet connection and rudimentary search skills can find Brit's lady bits in hi-res, we're not quite sure what more these pictures can offer.) But Finalpixx photo agency, which employs Ghalib, denies the allegations and insists on its Web site that he "only has the best interest for Britney's welfare." Their weekend together in Palm Springs, Calif., where the shutterbug was captured holding his ostensible meal ticket's hand, sharing her lollipop and lingering over an awkward smooch, consisted of the two "resting, eating, sleeping, shopping and talking about life and the love they have for their families," says the agency, which helpfully adds that Ghalib has been separated from his wife "for over a year." TMZ, however, says it's confirmed that the supposedly risqué pics -- described by rival photo service X17 as Brit in "just a T-shirt" -- have been offered to various magazines, with no nibbles save for an Australian outlet. Spears, who was filmed dropping her lit cigarette out a car window while at a gas station on Tuesday, appeared to take a break from Adnan immediately after their desert getaway, but Finalpixx maintains they're still "happily dating."

OK!, meanwhile, steps away from Jamie Lynn's bun in the oven long enough to offer up the unsettling cover story, "Last Day With Mommy: 'I'd Die for My Children,'" which features recent images of a bespectacled Britney posing with sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 16 months. Unfortunately, the cover shot appears to have been overly exposed to the magic of Photoshop, leaving the tots looking alarmingly like younger versions of Timmy the Living Doll from "Passions." "I'm told that when she saw the photographs she literally cried for over an hour and stared at them all night long," says snapper Dani Brubaker, who was reportedly hired for a private, presumably court-monitored mommy-and-me photo session but wasn't asked to sign a confidentiality agreement that would have kept the pics under wraps. "She told me she loved her children and that they are her life." Echoes a friend, "Those boys are her everything, and she's said repeatedly that life isn't worth living if she can't have her babies with her ... She'd put her life before them and die for Jayden and Preston. They're her whole world." And right now, she may not want to share them with the rest of the world. Sources tell X17 that Britney is outraged over the release of the photos and wants to sue, which could be tough given that she was recently drop-kicked by her lawyers.

Using Restraint: Cops called to Spears' home during Thursday's custody standoff apparently decided not to take any chances when it came to ex-husband Kevin Federline. A temporary restraining order was issued that night in order to "stabilize the situation," K-Fed's cucumber-cool lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, explains to People. The attorney is mum on whether the keep-away order will be extended longer than the original five business days. "Kevin doesn't want to keep his kids from being involved in [Spears'] life," he points out to the magazine. "But foremost is that the kids be in an environment of structure [and] stability. The next goal is to get things to a point where both parents are able to participate fully in their [children's] lives." To that end, an insider asserts to E!, Federline has told Spears that the tykes will remain off-limits until she agrees to get help for what many armchair physicians believe is a bipolar disorder. "He hates to be in this kind of blackmail situation with her -- get help, get on meds, or you won't see the kids," relays the snitch. "But he feels like he has no choice." He's not the only one said to be hoping to convince her to seek medical intervention. TMZ reports her parents, Lynne and Jamie, have been trying for months to "get her committed into a mental hospital for a bipolar disorder."

The incredible gurney

Flush With Rage: What exactly sparked Thursday's bizarre incident, in which Spears' purported refusal to turn over Jayden James to Federline's bodyguard brought out the police, gurney-toting paramedics and Dr. Phil? TMZ, citing "unimpeachable sources," says Britney "pitched a fit" over being forced to attend a court-ordered deposition in the custody case that afternoon and wanted "make-up" time with her visiting sons that night. Seems she was due to turn them over to K-Fed's minder at 7 p.m. but wanted a couple more hours, a request that was denied. At that point, she allegedly retreated to a bathroom with Jayden, provoking the standoff. "She was crying and freaking out," a source tells Us. "She kept saying she wanted her babies." But TMZ believes there are a few holes in Spears' apparent "make-up time" logic, including the fact that she wouldn't have had a visitation conflict if she'd shown up for the deposition the day before like she was scheduled to. What's more, even though she was two hours late to Thursday's proceedings, they ended on time at 11:45. Since she was scheduled to have the boys from noon until seven, and her commute home was only 15 minutes, she seemingly wouldn't have lost much time.

Brit Speak: In recent weeks, Spears has been captured on camera trying on a British accent so clunky it would make Madonna cringe, even going so far as to ask a gas station attendant the location of "the loo." According to "Entertainment Tonight," the "y'all"-prone Louisiana native continued to speak the Queen's English during her brief hospital stay. While some have theorized that her new inflection is a result of hanging with the British-born Ghalib, one psychotherapist posits to Us that Britney is having "identity issues" and is "in an adolescent mode of thinking ... [she's] trying on different personas to see what feels good and works for her." Adds the shrink, "What it definitely says is she doesn't really like being where she's at -- there's probably a part of her that wants to escape who she really is."

Patient Confidentiality, Schmonfidentiality: Details continue to trickle out from Britney's time at Cedars. In Touch says she checked in under the pseudonym Barbara Jean and suffered an injury to her pinkie finger and a cut on her head from "thrashing into" a wall near her bed. Speaking of thrashing, the Spears clan is delivering one to Dr. Phil, whose appearance at the hospital was said to be an unwelcome surprise for Brit and whose subsequent press release diagnosing her to be in "dire need of medical and psychological intervention" was apparently an unwelcome surprise for her family. "What's wrong with Dr. Phil's statement is that he made a statement," a family rep explained on the "Today" show Wednesday. "The family basically extended an invitation of trust as a resource to support them, not to make a public statement." The mouthpiece railed that parents Jamie and Lynn feel "betrayed" by his "self-serving" display, adding that, contrary to reports, they never agreed to go on his show.

Alli McSqueal: Brit's sometime hand-holding BFF Alli Sims is on the defensive against accusations that she wasn't there for her pal in her time of need last week. "These claims are ridiculous," the Z-lister huffs to Us. "I had plans for a girls weekend [in New York], and my friends had already flown into town to meet up with me. Yes, I continued with my plans that included going to dinner and a club. How was I to predict what would happen the weekend I was gone?" She also dismisses talk that she and Spears are on the outs. "That is simply not true," insists Sims. "I love Britney, and care way more about her well-being than any of these strangers making these claims."

Next: Brangelina Kill Time by Tangling Tongues