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Spinal Tap/Paul Smith/Retna
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Top 10 Phony Celluloid Rock Bands
In honor of 'Walk Hard,' we survey the predecessors of faux rock 'n' roll legends

By Sean Axmaker
Special to MSN Music

The alternative history of rock 'n' roll is filled with class acts: The Swanky Modes, Steel Dragon, the Luminaries, and who could forget the upstart grrrl group the Stains? Most people do forget ... because these bands don't exist outside of the movies. In fact, there's a veritable alternative history of rock 'n' roll that only exits in film. Many nonexistent bands are bad; many are surprisingly good; some are downright inspired.

Faced with an overwhelming set of possibilities, I established some parameters for this countdown:

  1. No solo acts allowed (so no "The Rose")
  2. No bands existed before their big-screen debuts (thus excluding "The Blues Brothers," "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," the acts from "Dreamgirls" and "Josie and the Pussycats")
  3. Rock and pop groups only -- no jazz combos, classical quartets or swing bands (sorry "New York, New York" and "Round Midnight")
  4. The bands perform on-screen, even if only lip-synching or pretending to play their instruments to pre-recorded track
  5. They produce arguably good music (don't even ask about "Ishtar")

Base on these criteria, here are the first inductees to the Imaginary Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

For the record: The Stains are the all-girl teenage punk band of "Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains"; the Luminaries sing '60s girl-group tunes in "Grace of My Heart"; Steel Dragon is the Judas Priest stand-in fronted by Mark Wahlberg in "Rock Star"; and the Swanky Modes are an R&B duo played by Sam Moore and Junior Walker in "Tapeheads."

10. Spinal Tap
Big-screen appearance: "This Is Spinal Tap"
Musical definition: Heavy metal B-listers
Signature song: "Big Bottom" ("Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em!")
Liner notes: Morphing from British invasion roots and a psychedelic detour into one of the heavy metal footnotes of popular music, the power trio of David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel and Derek Smalls were all but resurrected from a well-earned obscurity by director Marty DiBergi's documentary of their disastrous comeback tour. Spinal Tap continues to fill a much-needed void.
Behind the music: Without a doubt the funniest faux band in the movies, the Tap was the brainchild of director Rob Reiner (playing DiBergi) and actors Michael McKean, Christopher Guest and Harry Shearer, who wrote and performed their own material. They went on to make TV appearances, a holiday video ("Christmas With the Devil") and a follow-up feature, all in the same metal-head makeup and clueless personas.

9. Pop
Big-screen appearance:
"Music and Lyrics"
Musical definition: '80s British synth-pop
Signature song: "Pop Goes My Heart"
Liner notes: Perhaps the greatest of the '80s boy bands, Pop announced their intentions in their title: They produced one bouncy, cheery hit single after another in rapid succession until Colin Thompson left the band, and his writing partner Alex Fletcher, for a successful solo career. Fletcher wasn't so lucky and fell into milking the nostalgia circuit.
Behind the music: It's astounding how much Hugh Grant looks the part of a hair-band veteran, thanks to his self-effacing preening and his Paul McCartney smile. That's also Grant's own singing voice, and his feathered hair and hip-wiggling moves are a brilliant impression of the real thing: the missing link between Duran Duran and A-ha.

8. Stillwater
Big-screen appearance: "Almost Famous"
Musical definition: '70s rockers
Signature song: "Fever Dog"
Liner notes: Emerging from Troy, Mich., with a heavy guitar sound indebted to Southern-fried rockers, Stillwater broke through with their album-side epic "Fever Dog" and a publicity push from fledgling music journalist William Miller, whose mesmerizing story of their breakthrough tour landed them on the cover of Rolling Stone.
Behind the music: Cameron Crowe fictionalized his own experience as a high school music journalist hitting the road with the Allman Brothers and Led Zeppelin for the film. Stillwater mixes elements of the two, along with Lynyrd Skynyrd and others, and reworks them as a hungry young band on their first big tour. Heart's Nancy Wilson (who is also Crowe's wife) wrote and performed the music with Pearl Jam's Mike McCready and others.

7. The Bang Bang
Big-screen appearance: "Brothers of the Head"
Musical definition: Pop and glam churned into proto-punk
Signature song: "Two Way Romeo"
Liner notes: The ultimate band of the moment, "Brothers of the Head" was created by impresario Zak Bedderwick, who turned conjoined twins Harry and Luke Treddaway into band front men and glam pinups. He didn't expect his would-be bubble-gum pop to produce angry, confrontational music that anticipates the Sex Pistols.
Behind the music: Documentary filmmakers Keith Fulton and Louis Pepe, adapting the novel by Brian Aldiss, twist around the mockumentary format by playing it for poignant tragedy and discomforting drama. This portrait of guileless twins, bullied and exploited by everyone around them, is also a fascinating commentary on the manufacturing of image and on the nature of documentary. All this, and the lost musical biopic by Ken Russell, too!

6. Strange Fruit
Big-screen appearance:
"Still Crazy"
Musical definition: '70s British power rock
Signature song: "All Over the World"
Liner notes: The English rockers broke up on the verge of superstardom, leaving two band mates as casualties and a handful of records practically lost to time.

(Story Continues On Next Page...)

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