Anti-Valentine

Top "I Hate Love" Songs of All Time

By Kelli Congelli
Special to MSN Music

When you're not in love, everyone else appears to be. No matter where you go, mushy couples scorch your corneas with their public displays of affection and cram their sweet nothings into your adjacent ears.

And maybe you'd like to think it's lovely, but the truth is that you'd rather not be forced to remember. You don't want to think about how happy you once were, or how happy you could be again if only, or, especially, how happy you might never be again. And you definitely don't want to think about the possibility that your cat might be your longest-running relationship, like George Clooney and his pig (RIP, Max) because you're probably not one of the "sexiest people alive," and you can't afford to live high-on-the-hog in Italy.

Nothing epitomizes the single person's challenge quite like Valentine's Day -- the one day each year that seems defined solely by gestures of romance: the delivery of red roses, thoughtful cards and phone calls, candlelight dinners, et cetera, ad nauseum. So this year, here's a suggestion: You can simply choose to hate love. I mean, really despise the sucker. Wear black. Spit on flowers. Fill your ears not with the sweet nothings of others but with the wails, moans and cries of musicians who have the decency to remind us of love's disastrous qualities. Here are the beginnings of a soundtrack:

The J. Geils Band: "Love Stinks"
It's the obvious choice and a cornball classic, but the brevity -- oh, the brevity. If you can get more clear-cut than "This thing they call love/It's gonna make you cry," followed by several thousand impassioned rounds of the phrase "Love Stinks," I don't know how.

Def Leppard: "Love Bites"
Maintaining one's patience with this song's laundry list of inane questions is a challenge. ("When you make love, do you look in the mirror?"; "Do you tell lies and say that it's forever?"; "Are you wild 'n' willin' or is it just for show?") And on and on. Add the occasional "Ooh babe" or "Ooh c'mon" and it really will be bringing you to your knees. But against all odds, the song saves itself: "If you've got love in your sights/Watch out, love bites/Yes it does/It will be hell." Not wrong.

Nazareth: "Love Hurts"
Though its empty analogies and linear word play spit into the faces of creative writing teachers everywhere, it's hard to argue with "Love is like a flame/It burns you when it's hot." Touché.

Kelly Clarkson: "The Trouble With Love Is"
This song gets straight to the blow-by-blow. Clarkson belts that love will "make you hear a symphony" and that it's "like a drug that will make you blind," then adds that it "can tear you up inside," "make your heart believe a lie," is "stronger than your pride" and "doesn't care how fast you fall." Ouch.

Alanis Morissette: "You Oughta Know"
This enraged ditty introduced her to U.S. fans and made her alt-rock's angriest girl. Bitter, screamo vocals ("Every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back/I hope you feel it" and "I'm here to remind you/Of the mess you left when you went away") are enough to sober up even the most lovesick lassie.

Maria McKee: "If Love Is a Red Dress (Hang Me in Rags)"
This one goes in for the kill not once, not twice, but three times. "If love is shelter/I'm gonna walk in the rain." "If love is a red dress/Well, hang me in rags." And the final blow: "If love is Aces/Give me the Jack."

Michael Bublé With Holly Palmer: "Down With Love"
This song, which served as the lead track for the movie, defines love as "the root of all midnight blues" and then exclaims "Down with love/Yes take it away, away." Indeed.

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