'Indiana Jones': Hard on the Inner Child

By Martha Brockenbrough
MSN Cinemama

Along with "E.T." and "Star Wars," the Indiana Jones movies formed the cinematic high point for my generation. Now, we're raising kids of our own.

So, the question is: Will our kids be as whipped by Indiana Jones' many charms as we were? And -- just as important -- will Indiana Jones be as cool as we remembered?

For kids, the news is good. Once they get past the title, which is a reading assignment in and of itself, "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" is full of hilarious and jaw-dropping adventure that evokes much of the humor and joy of "Raiders of the Lost Ark" and "Last Crusade." (I'm still pretending "Temple of Doom" didn't happen.)

Video: Ford, LaBeouf and Blanchett on the Indy Experience

For adults who grew up worshipping Harrison Ford, the news is not as good.

It isn't that Ford, now 65, can't pull off action hero. He's Harrison Ford. He still has his whip, his hat and his lopsided grin. But even Indiana Jones needs movies with satisfying endings. "Crystal Skull" is so far from that territory, it might be in another galaxy. One far, far away. Our inner children deserved much better.

"Crystal Skull" begins in 1957, in a Nevada desert during the Cold War. Indiana Jones has been captured by Russians in search of a mysterious object with supernatural powers. He escapes, of course; there would be no movie without that. It's a great escape, too.

But soon, the FBI and KGB are on his tail, along with a young man who rides a motorcycle without a helmet and stops to comb his hair at inopportune times. And here, Indy gets his chance to ditch the government agencies and go back to the grave-robbery and impromptu lecturing that's far more entertaining.

What's in It for Kids

This movie is rated PG-13. Parents of small kids should pay attention to that. The violence is immense and continual, ranging from punching to poisoned darts, immolation and mushroom clouds. There is also sword fighting, and no one -- I mean no one -- wears a seat belt.

But seriously, this makes "Crystal Skull" a tough choice for kids under 10 years old.

The violence is cartoonish for the most part, but if your child is sensitive to this, or will have bad dreams after watching a mummy crumble into dust or a species of ants devouring men whole, then you will not be providing a magical childhood memory by watching this movie while it's in the theater. (Read about the effects of scary movies on kids here.)

On the positive side, this movie bursts with really lively, delightfully clever action. An opening motorcycle chase scene, for example, will help kids fall in love with Ford as a hero, but also with Shia LaBeouf, who plays a leather-jacketed Fonzie called Mutt Williams. Mutt comes seeking Indy's help, and later proves to be a game sidekick whose switchblade comes in handy more than once. Is he good enough to be the heir to the Jones franchise? Maybe so.

LaBeouf does get stuck with a rather improbable action sequence in the jungle. It is amusing to note, though, that his hairdo is exactly like some monkeys he emulates. For kids, this is likely to be a favorite scene in the movie.

What's in It for Grown-ups

The movie starts fast and soars with promise.

You can tell from the first scene that it's old-school Steven Spielberg at the helm, with his broad landscapes perfectly composed. With few exceptions, the whole film looks great. What's more, the first sight of Indiana Jones is in silhouette, a nice nod to a similar shot in "Raiders of the Lost Ark." It says something about the size of the shadow the man casts that it's all we need to recognize him.

The setting is also delicious. The United States is locked in a cold war with the Soviet Union, and commie fever has gripped the nation. Indy is at the center of it all, and being pursued by Soviet soldiers through a storage warehouse that at one point will look familiar to fans of the original movie. Later, the FBI and KGB join the chase. (Shouldn't the CIA have had a slice of the action, too?)

Cate Blanchett as the villain Irina Spalko offers good, campy fun. Her accent is thicker than melted cheese, and her bangs slash so sharply across her forehead that she could use them to cut diamonds, if that's what she was into.

But no ... she has another desire: the very same crystal skull that Indiana Jones seeks. Her performance is highly entertaining, though she's not given a lot of room for nuance as she pursues her heart's desire. What's with the skull, though, sometimes being magnetic and sometimes not?

Speaking of inconsistency, the second half of the movie is better than the first, even when Blanchett demonstrates a hilarious but deadly maneuver with her thighs.

Part of it is the utter waste of Karen Allen reprising her role as Marion Ravenwood. Where she was Indy's "goddamn partner" in "Raiders," she's been reduced to his car pool driver here. She's even wearing khaki Mom Jeans (I believe it's the Jungle TrouserCut model).

Perhaps she no longer drinks large men under the table, but the movie could have used a bit of her former moxie and recklessness. She at least could have reminded Indy to use his whip when he needed to, and to cut friends loose after the first betrayal.

Maybe the forgetfulness is due to the fact that Indy's around 20 years older than when we last saw him; more likely, though, it is the storyteller himself who suffered a few lapses.

One character symbolizes much that's wrong with George Lucas' tale. Played by John Hurt, Professor Oxley is an archaeologist who stared so long at an artifact that he went nuts (and grew a beard and wore dirty clothes). Few can understand his babblings, though they have some apparent cosmic significance.

I don't know what Lucas is wearing lately, but he has the beard and the propensity to do post-doctoral study of his own career artifacts. The end of the story he wrote might have cosmic significance, but alas, most people will shrug it off as the loony yammering of a man who maybe needs to lose his tenure -- or up his dose of Geritol.

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Martha Brockenbrough is Cinemama for the Parents' Movie Guide on MSN. She is also the author of "It Could Happen to You: Diary of a Pregnancy and Beyond" and the founder of SPOGG, the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar. She writes a fun-with-kids column for Cranium.com, as well as an educational humor column for Encarta. Check out her Web site.

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