By Sean Nelson
Special to MSN Entertainment

Friends, there's an elephant in the room. And when I say "room," I mean the movie theaters and TV screens of America, and when I say "elephant," I mean Russell Crowe. Specifically the unforgivably broad, unforgettably bad Noo Yawk accent he has saddled himself with in the trailer for Ridley Scott's "American Gangster." I have no quarrel with Crowe under normal circumstances. I've seen almost every movie he's done since "Romper Stomper" in 1992. I'll probably go see "Gangster." But that accent signifies, with almost utter certainty, that at least his portion of it is going to suck.

I don't know why I'm such a stickler for accents, but there's nothing that can spoil an otherwise good film/performance faster than a mangled or grossly inaccurate or -- worst of all -- inconsistent dialect. I suppose it's because, well, what the hell else do these actors have to worry about? After all, it's not like they don't have coaches on set to help them remember how Irish is different from English (forget about why Dublin is different from Ulster), why Queens is different from Brooklyn, why Texas and Alabama aren't the same drawl. But somehow -- whether it's directors being too scared to criticize them, lack of preparation time, or just medium talent -- stars still find ways to botch the job. And now they must pay.

Here is a list of the 10 most egregious examples of bad accents to ever maim a motion picture. They are in no particular order, and if you have some other candidates, please send them our way.

Dick Van Dyke, "Mary Poppins" (1964)
Yes, it hurts to lay the smack down on Bert, the lovable chimney sweep from this justly beloved children's film, but guess what: If you're searching for the all-time standard for judging poor dialect delivery, you need look no further. Granted, in the '60s, the idea of a screen actor, let alone a renowned comedian like Van Dyke, actually working to make his character's accent believable was something of a novelty. And no way could any of them have guessed that videotapes and DVD would arrive to put their shoddy work on display for all time. But that's no excuse. It's a testament to Van Dyke's native lovability that the film and his rancid performance remain perennial family treasures. That said, I still have nightmares about the way he says "puntin' own da Tems."

Brad Pitt, "The Devil's Own" (1997)
Oh, he's a handsome devil, and he has even become an occasionally convincing actor. But strap an Irish brogue on him, as in this otherwise promising 1997 Alan J. Pakula thriller about terrorism on U.S. soil, and he's a complete washout. That weird thing about Pitt -- where you can really see him trying to be good so he can prove that he's not just a pretty face -- is very much in evidence here. He seems to be using David Thewlis' Earth-scorching performance as Johnny in Mike Leigh's "Naked" as a model for the accent. Unfortunately, Johnny was from Manchester, England, not Ireland. Not long after, Pitt actually got to co-star with Thewlis in "Seven Years in Tibet," in which Pitt executed another horrendous accent, this time Austrian (see it, and you'll never hear "Himalayas" again without laughing). But since Austrian is already an ugly-sounding dialect, let's stick to his mangling of Irish, shall we?

Angelina Jolie, "Alexander" (2004)
The thing about Jolie's accent in Oliver Stone's catastro-pic about Alexander the Great is that, in certain ways, it's almost brilliant. In a film where British, Greek, Arabic and Slavic accents sort of whirl around willy-nilly in actors' mouths, Jolie sort of melds them all together into one ludicrous goulash that sums up everything that's wrong with the film: it's funny without knowing why; it's absurd without intention; and it's just crazily wrong on every level. But if Jolie is making fun of the role she's playing, she doesn't let on. Instead she just sinks her whitened teeth into her elaborate concoction. And it's impossible to take seriously.

Gary Oldman, "State of Grace" (1990)
Seventeen years before Russell Crowe made mincemeat of the generic New York cop accent in "American Gangster," Gary Oldman butchered the generic New York thug accent (Irish variation, not to be confused with Italian variation) in this overwrought cop-crime thriller starring Sean Penn. Bouncing all over the screen like a manic, violent superball, Oldman strains for comparison to Robert De Niro's Johnny Boy from Martin Scorsese's "Mean Streets." But, like many a British actor before him, he can't quite get the hang of the letter "r," thus making his performance a bad cartoon. Oldman can be great sometimes, but not here.

Uma Thurman, "Henry & June" (1990)
Another New York hatchet job, from the same year, but this time from an American actress who lives in New York! But movie New York isn't real New York, and Thurman's performance as June, the temperamental but fragile wife of Henry Miller (Fred Ward), isn't real either. Granted Thurman's unstoppable beauty -- she was 20 at the time -- made her seem perfect for the role of a woman who could not just tame but overpower the legendary libidos of Miller and Anais Nin (Maria de Medeiros). And it's true, when you look at her, all dolled up in '20s couture and heavy makeup, your eyes just about pop out of your head. But when she speaks, it's moiduh.

Next: More bad brogues and a special prize